Today’s post is going to be something completely different to the normal scheduling. I’m writing this as I watch Love Island, on my own in the flat, which is probably not the best time to get all emotional, but it’s happening. I don’t really know how to approach this because I’ve never been very good at expressing my feelings, so excuse me for that.. But after the multitude of mistakes I have made lately, all I hope is that writing this will make me feel better about the mess that is my life.
So. I’ve never really known what that feeling of being ‘in love’ was like. I’m only 21 so I don’t know whether I’m early or late to that train, but with everyone around me or people I used to go to school with completely set, in a relationship, engaged, married or having children, it makes me feel old. 6 months ago, after working together for a year and a half, and fancying him for just as long, I got into a relationship with this boy. I know he’ll never read this or know of its existence, but I won’t mention his name. It had to be a complete secret because relationships aren’t really allowed and definitely frowned upon where we work. Even now, it’s still a secret that nobody knows about.
We were and are completely different people in every way shape and form, so I don’t know how I ever appealed to him, but somehow I did. They say opposites attract, and I’m skeptical of that saying, but there was definitely an attraction. Ofcourse, it’s all wonderful when you’re getting to know each other in that way, and I will say things probably moved a lot faster than it should have, with neither of us really acknowledging if we were really a couple. All I know is that the feeling that I could only describe as love was being had for the first time. I have many reasons for this. Firstly, I have most definitely peaked at my ugliest I have been in a long time and he totally accepted the way I looked. Secondly, I could really tell that he cared about me, and still does. Thirdly, he was so affectionate and only ever wanted me to smile. I could go on, but that’s not the point of this post.
It’s just so difficult when you want to make someone’s life better but you also want to respect their decisions, even if you know that they aren’t the best. No matter what his interests were, I still wanted to be there just because it was him and there is always going to be some give and take. There is 3 years difference between us, him being the older one, but I feel like I was definitely the more mature one. Eventually it began to feel like it was more take take take on his part, which left me feeling deflated but never ready to give up. I had so many worries about him and his lifestyle choices, and that really put a toll on the relationship for me because I knew nothing I could do or say would make it change and that made me so, so sad.
I won’t say I’m the best girlfriend in the world, but by no means am I the worst. All I want is the best for who I’m with and for me to be a part of that. Ofcourse I made mistakes, one big one which I regret, and there have been so many challenges and complications. I would never force someone to change, only wish to make my opinion heard or to get them to see my side to things, because at the end of the day it should count for something if I mean anything to you.
It has been less than smooth sailing and hands down the most turbulent relationship I’ve ever had. It’s now been 10 days since I ended things on the day I’m writing this. It was mutual, and we both knew it wasn’t working in that moment. I was completely fine with it for the first week, but everything has hit me today. In February, I had that feeling that I was waiting to feel, and something in my gut made me think I could see this guy in my future. I was comfortable in my relationship for the first time.. well.. ever. I didn’t and don’t want to look for anyone else because I have found my person. There’s a part of me that thinks it’s still not really over, and that’s probably because we still have to work together and it’s like in the beginning again. I hope in the future when he has matured and maybe fallen out of some bad habits he will realise where I’m coming from. But, just because it doesn’t work right now doesn’t mean it won’t again and it hasn’t ended on bad terms.
So two hours later, and one roll of toilet roll to mop up my lonely tears later, I’ve finally come to the end of this nonsensical post. I have literally no idea what I’m trying to achieve from this post, I’m just speaking my thoughts and I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I know, or I hope I know, someone will read this post and relate, even without going deep into the details. I want nothing but the best for him, and even though I feel like I can give that, sometimes people need time and space. If that pulls us apart, then I guess it wasn’t meant to be, but I will hope every day that it works out in the end. We’re often told to go with our gut, and well, I’m definitely trusting mine on this one.
Thanks for reading, and I promise to be less of an emotional wreck asap.